The Unseen Enemy

I'm paralyzed.

Childhood nightmares surface,

tearing apart the safety of my subconscious.

Dormant fears long forgotten bubble up,

seizing my soul in an iron grip.

I fight.

Eyes closed, mind open,

I struggle against the snare of terror,

evil slithering through my memories,

twisting, distorting, perverting.

I am weak.

Alone, I cannot shoulder the door closed.

My strength drains, my resolve falters,

and I despair of what is to come.

I will not survive on my own.

O God, help me!

I have become my own trap!

Protect me from that which haunts me,

and defeat the demons that attack when I am vulnerable.

Save me from myself.

I cannot win without You, O Savior.

I need Your strength.

I long for Your comforting arms.

Bring me peace.

Bring me peace.

A Mixture of Boredom, Friendship, and Love

Core confined in ice,

Heart far stronger than she knows,

Core shines warm and bright.

-Haiku written by Robert Conger

Robert sent me this message on Facebook today. Apparently, out of boredom, he decided to write a poem about me. My heart melted when reading it. I love this guy even more now, knowing that he chose me, a friend to whom he is not all that close, as a subject for inspiration.

http://the-trapeze-swinger.tumblr.com/post/4515751750/olivia

Max wrote this about me a few months back. I never thought my friendship, my personality, my own self, could influence a person enough to dedicate an entire page of writing to me. I smile ecstatically each time I read it.

I have no idea why these two view me as a means for subject matter or inspiration, but I refuse to question it. I am extremely blessed by the friendships of these two fine young gentlemen, and it brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart knowing that God has placed them in my life. Thank you, Max and Robert.

Love is in the Air: Part 1

This summer, I have been witness to two joyous unions. The first was between Breanne Martin and Kendall Johnson. I met Bre by chance in the fall of '09 after a Halloween party hosted by the UNT BSM. We connected through the mere fact that we grew up no more than 40 miles away from each other, attended rival high schools, and ended up at the same college 330 miles from Southeast Texas. It quickly became obvious that this young woman is someone who would bless one's life if one became close to her. Bre exudes joy, vivacity, and a pure love for our Creator. A mere conversation with her reveals her deep devotion to Christ. She got married at the tender age of 20, which normally most people view as a very young age, but her astounding maturity, along with the man of God she married, exempts her from people thinking that she was getting married too young or that they were rushing into a marriage. The pure, unadulterated love they have for one another and for Christ overflows out of their souls and overwhelms those are fortunate enough to be called their friends.

The second wedding was between two of my favorite people: Nathan Webb and Kristiane Smith. Nathan was one of the first people I got to know when I moved to college, and I instantly took a liking to him. The more I hung around him and became better friends with him, the more I asked God, "Why did You not let me have him as an older brother?!?! That would have been the best thing ever!!!!" Alas, I can only claim him as a surrogate sibling, even though he has never been a fan of me calling him that. Dear Mr. Webb has been one of the greatest influences on my life since moving away from home. Through a myriad of fights, spiritual conversations, and media discussions, I have come to truly love, respect, and trust this Godly man. He is one who is not afraid to show his flaws and shortcomings to the world, even encouraging others to do the same. Nathan is also not afraid to voice his love and faith in our Savior, something which he has in common with his wife, Kristiane. O, how I love that girl! No matter whether she is happy as a clam or completely frustrated, she will always make time for her friends, easily putting a smile on anyone's face who gets near her. Her bubbly personality and near constant positive outlook encourages me to be more joyful and loving in life. She's an old soul, just like Nathan. Their relationship is one built on sweet and innocent love for each other and for God. Even though I've only known both of them for two short years, I can easily say that God has completely blessed me by placing the two of them in my life.

This wedding was the first one to move me to tears, for I felt as if I were watching a brother of mine being united with the woman who is his perfect complement. Two lovely people united in Christ's love.

The Cries from a Fallen Heart

Lord, I pray to You and You listen.

I have prayed for wisdom and You have granted me my desire.

Yet how do I use your gift?

I pray for wisdom in love.

You grant me patience and contentment in singleness,

Showing me that the right man is not yet here.

I accept the contentment,

Yet my heart lusts for those not meant for me.

I pray for wisdom in future decisions.

You tell me that I needn't know what lies ahead,

Just to trust in Your will.

I wait for Your guidance,

Yet I make my own selfish plans.

I pray for wisdom in speech.

You command me to hold my tongue,

Not to speak in evil ways.

I obey around certain people,

Yet I let forth profanities and obscenities at every free opportunity.

I pray for wisdom in glorifying You.

You present me with opportunities to speak of You to the unknowing.

I can't do it.

I falter, hesitate, say that I'll have another opportunity,

Someone else can do that job.

I'm not meant to spread Your love.

O God, I'm so ashamed of my lack of faith.

I should not be ashamed of Your Son's sacrifice,

Yet I cannot bring myself to speak of Him,

For fear that I may be ridiculed or persecuted.

Jesus, I'm not worthy of Your sacrifice.

I'm not deserving to even speak Your precious name.

I have strayed so far from Your path,

I fear that I don't know the way back.

I'm lost and so afraid of this darkness.

I need Your loving guidance, Father!

Please, find me and carry me back in Your comforting arms.

I need You and only You.

Why can I not grasp that truth?

You are all I will ever need.

Savior, I despair of my life.

I disgrace You every day.

I crucify You and turn my back,

Refusing to acknowledge the cruelty and evil in me.

Blind me with truth, O Father.

Open my eyes to what I have done.

Lead my footsteps to where You are.

Take my hand and never let go.

I cannot live in this world without Your presence.

I need You.

God, I pray for wisdom...

And forgiveness.

Sorrow & Hope Have a Way of Intermingling

Death follows me.

It waits, slinking in corners and shadows,

Snatching up unsuspecting loved ones,

Coaxing away others on the brink,

Burdening my heart immensely.

Yet it never approaches me.

Death taunts me.

It laughs and sneers at my pain

As I watch friends and family disappear from this world.

Though I try to ignore it,

Death throws itself in my face when I least expect it.

God, why does this happen?

Why must sorrow force its way into joyous times?

I feel so close to breaking,

Breaking with the weight of grief.

Lord, send relief, for I know not how long I can bear this.

Where is my solace?

It is in knowledge:

The knowledge that my loved ones are at peace.

The knowledge that I will one day see them again.

The knowledge that God has a plan.

The only way to cope is to live.

Live a full life, full of love and joy.

Do not regret the losses sustained in life,

But have hope for a future reunion.

Do not rush Death, acting rashly,

But wait patiently for God to call you home.

Death will come for me.

When it comes, I will greet it as I would a friend.

I will feel no pain or regret or sorrow on that day.

On that day, I will be in glory with those I lost.

When Death comes, joy will be mine.

Death is real. So is Life.

Live.

*Sidenote*: I am not depressed, nor is this a suicide note. These are merely my musings after the loss of a friend. Do not misinterpret this as my last goodbye or something. If you think that, you have some serious issues, my friend. This is meant as encouragement. What can I say? My mind works differently from others.

Dear X (You Don't Own Me) by Disciple

Dear pain, oh, it’s been a long time

Remember when you were holding me tight

I would stay awake with you all night

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms

You were there when it all fell apart

I would get so lost in your beautiful lies

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Dear hate, I know you’re not far

You would wait at the door of my heart

I was amazed at the passion in your cries

Dear anger, you make me so high

You were faithful to show up on time

Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead, put a target on my forehead

You can fire, but you got no bullets

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

It’s tempting me to look back

But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead, put a target on my forehead

You can fire, but you got no bullets

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Thoughts from a Child

Perfect black canvas overhead

Splattered with seemingly random pinpricks of white.

Sky-high beams,

Leaves tipped with moonlight.

A wave of utter insignificance washes over the body,

But with it comes peace, assurance, comfort,

Not agony or worry.

For a moment, I seem bigger than the world.

And in a moment, God shows me His awesome might.

With daylight comes mundane routines,

But nightfall brings surprises and a sharpening of the senses.

Why has the Creator given me this way of thinking?

Am I the only one?

Does everyone feel this way?

I'm desperate to know.