Love is in the Air: Part 1

This summer, I have been witness to two joyous unions. The first was between Breanne Martin and Kendall Johnson. I met Bre by chance in the fall of '09 after a Halloween party hosted by the UNT BSM. We connected through the mere fact that we grew up no more than 40 miles away from each other, attended rival high schools, and ended up at the same college 330 miles from Southeast Texas. It quickly became obvious that this young woman is someone who would bless one's life if one became close to her. Bre exudes joy, vivacity, and a pure love for our Creator. A mere conversation with her reveals her deep devotion to Christ. She got married at the tender age of 20, which normally most people view as a very young age, but her astounding maturity, along with the man of God she married, exempts her from people thinking that she was getting married too young or that they were rushing into a marriage. The pure, unadulterated love they have for one another and for Christ overflows out of their souls and overwhelms those are fortunate enough to be called their friends.

The second wedding was between two of my favorite people: Nathan Webb and Kristiane Smith. Nathan was one of the first people I got to know when I moved to college, and I instantly took a liking to him. The more I hung around him and became better friends with him, the more I asked God, "Why did You not let me have him as an older brother?!?! That would have been the best thing ever!!!!" Alas, I can only claim him as a surrogate sibling, even though he has never been a fan of me calling him that. Dear Mr. Webb has been one of the greatest influences on my life since moving away from home. Through a myriad of fights, spiritual conversations, and media discussions, I have come to truly love, respect, and trust this Godly man. He is one who is not afraid to show his flaws and shortcomings to the world, even encouraging others to do the same. Nathan is also not afraid to voice his love and faith in our Savior, something which he has in common with his wife, Kristiane. O, how I love that girl! No matter whether she is happy as a clam or completely frustrated, she will always make time for her friends, easily putting a smile on anyone's face who gets near her. Her bubbly personality and near constant positive outlook encourages me to be more joyful and loving in life. She's an old soul, just like Nathan. Their relationship is one built on sweet and innocent love for each other and for God. Even though I've only known both of them for two short years, I can easily say that God has completely blessed me by placing the two of them in my life.

This wedding was the first one to move me to tears, for I felt as if I were watching a brother of mine being united with the woman who is his perfect complement. Two lovely people united in Christ's love.

The Cries from a Fallen Heart

Lord, I pray to You and You listen.

I have prayed for wisdom and You have granted me my desire.

Yet how do I use your gift?

I pray for wisdom in love.

You grant me patience and contentment in singleness,

Showing me that the right man is not yet here.

I accept the contentment,

Yet my heart lusts for those not meant for me.

I pray for wisdom in future decisions.

You tell me that I needn't know what lies ahead,

Just to trust in Your will.

I wait for Your guidance,

Yet I make my own selfish plans.

I pray for wisdom in speech.

You command me to hold my tongue,

Not to speak in evil ways.

I obey around certain people,

Yet I let forth profanities and obscenities at every free opportunity.

I pray for wisdom in glorifying You.

You present me with opportunities to speak of You to the unknowing.

I can't do it.

I falter, hesitate, say that I'll have another opportunity,

Someone else can do that job.

I'm not meant to spread Your love.

O God, I'm so ashamed of my lack of faith.

I should not be ashamed of Your Son's sacrifice,

Yet I cannot bring myself to speak of Him,

For fear that I may be ridiculed or persecuted.

Jesus, I'm not worthy of Your sacrifice.

I'm not deserving to even speak Your precious name.

I have strayed so far from Your path,

I fear that I don't know the way back.

I'm lost and so afraid of this darkness.

I need Your loving guidance, Father!

Please, find me and carry me back in Your comforting arms.

I need You and only You.

Why can I not grasp that truth?

You are all I will ever need.

Savior, I despair of my life.

I disgrace You every day.

I crucify You and turn my back,

Refusing to acknowledge the cruelty and evil in me.

Blind me with truth, O Father.

Open my eyes to what I have done.

Lead my footsteps to where You are.

Take my hand and never let go.

I cannot live in this world without Your presence.

I need You.

God, I pray for wisdom...

And forgiveness.

Sorrow & Hope Have a Way of Intermingling

Death follows me.

It waits, slinking in corners and shadows,

Snatching up unsuspecting loved ones,

Coaxing away others on the brink,

Burdening my heart immensely.

Yet it never approaches me.

Death taunts me.

It laughs and sneers at my pain

As I watch friends and family disappear from this world.

Though I try to ignore it,

Death throws itself in my face when I least expect it.

God, why does this happen?

Why must sorrow force its way into joyous times?

I feel so close to breaking,

Breaking with the weight of grief.

Lord, send relief, for I know not how long I can bear this.

Where is my solace?

It is in knowledge:

The knowledge that my loved ones are at peace.

The knowledge that I will one day see them again.

The knowledge that God has a plan.

The only way to cope is to live.

Live a full life, full of love and joy.

Do not regret the losses sustained in life,

But have hope for a future reunion.

Do not rush Death, acting rashly,

But wait patiently for God to call you home.

Death will come for me.

When it comes, I will greet it as I would a friend.

I will feel no pain or regret or sorrow on that day.

On that day, I will be in glory with those I lost.

When Death comes, joy will be mine.

Death is real. So is Life.

Live.

*Sidenote*: I am not depressed, nor is this a suicide note. These are merely my musings after the loss of a friend. Do not misinterpret this as my last goodbye or something. If you think that, you have some serious issues, my friend. This is meant as encouragement. What can I say? My mind works differently from others.

Dear X (You Don't Own Me) by Disciple

Dear pain, oh, it’s been a long time

Remember when you were holding me tight

I would stay awake with you all night

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms

You were there when it all fell apart

I would get so lost in your beautiful lies

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Dear hate, I know you’re not far

You would wait at the door of my heart

I was amazed at the passion in your cries

Dear anger, you make me so high

You were faithful to show up on time

Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead, put a target on my forehead

You can fire, but you got no bullets

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

It’s tempting me to look back

But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead, put a target on my forehead

You can fire, but you got no bullets

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Thoughts from a Child

Perfect black canvas overhead

Splattered with seemingly random pinpricks of white.

Sky-high beams,

Leaves tipped with moonlight.

A wave of utter insignificance washes over the body,

But with it comes peace, assurance, comfort,

Not agony or worry.

For a moment, I seem bigger than the world.

And in a moment, God shows me His awesome might.

With daylight comes mundane routines,

But nightfall brings surprises and a sharpening of the senses.

Why has the Creator given me this way of thinking?

Am I the only one?

Does everyone feel this way?

I'm desperate to know.

Never Again Will I Be Yours Truly

Dear Apathy,

While I appreciate your blatant suppression of my emotions at times, I believe it's time for you to pack up and leave my soul. You've overstayed your visit. Go!

What I thought was a relief from so much turmoil was in actuality a slow and deadly poison, creeping into my heart and mind and closing down every part of me that feels and thinks. I have realized in this process that I would much rather be acutely aware of my emotions and wear them on my sleeve for the world to see than to push everything so far down that I don't even know what Sorrow and Joy mean.

Why did you trick me? That wasn't very nice. You said it was temporary. You promised that you would only come around when it was necessary, and then you would ship right on out. Liar. You plagued my soul for 3 months, not allowing me to feel anything. Oh wait, that's right. You "conveniently" left when you knew the situation I was in would produce negativity in me. What a friend.

Speaking of friends, how did you and Depression like co-inhabiting my heart? You two seem to go hand-in-hand. Well, how about both of ya go hand-in-hand straight back to your master? Not to be rude or anything, but I didn't even invite him to stay here, and he wasn't a cheery guest to have around. In fact, he was downright awful. He sure liked to hang around after those situations aforementioned. Definitely didn't help the issues there.

Tonight, those emotions that you've caged up finally broke free. Regret rushed through me, crashing through the barriers that blinded me to what you were doing. He washed over my face, and my eyes were finally open. Open to your deceit, open to the present, open to what would happen if I allowed you to dominate my life, open to my past mistakes. The awareness sent a shock wave of Sorrow throughout my body. Remember that song that was being sung by a multitude of people while all this was going on inside me? Heaven Song by Phil Wickham. I'm pretty sure you remember it, because when Joy heard those lyrics and the hope that was intertwined in every word, she flowed through every vein in my body and warmed me. For the first time in a long time, I meant what I sang. I felt Peace.

Sure, these emotions may bring tears. They may be unpleasant. They possibly could be even be downright painful. But ya know what, Apathy? I think I can handle that.

Never Again Will I Be Yours Truly,

Olivia

Why Put a Lamp Under a Basket?

I have this stirring in me.

So much pent-up...potential earnest creativity wants to be freed.

I don't know how to release this desire. My hands can't handle it, nor are they skilled to handle this need for expression.

God, what do I do? All I want to do is create, and yet I have not the ability nor the talent to bring forth beauty.

Painting, drawing, sculpting, charcoal, even a simple decor project. I yearn for it, but I let a barrier get in my way.

I'm fearful of creating something ugly and failing at pleasing God with what I make.



I want to write something.

Something about the glory of God, something about how my life is changing, something for my (hopefully) future husband. A poem, a story. Anything.

My fear of sounding like an imbecile stills my hand from putting pen to paper.

My heart bursts with words wanting to be written and read, yet my mind overrules, telling me that whatever I write won't amount to being worthy of anyone's eyes.

Lord, rid me of these inhibitions. Let me bring You glory and honor and praise with all that I do without letting fear chain me down and discourage me.

One step at a time.