Sorrow & Hope Have a Way of Intermingling

Death follows me.

It waits, slinking in corners and shadows,

Snatching up unsuspecting loved ones,

Coaxing away others on the brink,

Burdening my heart immensely.

Yet it never approaches me.

Death taunts me.

It laughs and sneers at my pain

As I watch friends and family disappear from this world.

Though I try to ignore it,

Death throws itself in my face when I least expect it.

God, why does this happen?

Why must sorrow force its way into joyous times?

I feel so close to breaking,

Breaking with the weight of grief.

Lord, send relief, for I know not how long I can bear this.

Where is my solace?

It is in knowledge:

The knowledge that my loved ones are at peace.

The knowledge that I will one day see them again.

The knowledge that God has a plan.

The only way to cope is to live.

Live a full life, full of love and joy.

Do not regret the losses sustained in life,

But have hope for a future reunion.

Do not rush Death, acting rashly,

But wait patiently for God to call you home.

Death will come for me.

When it comes, I will greet it as I would a friend.

I will feel no pain or regret or sorrow on that day.

On that day, I will be in glory with those I lost.

When Death comes, joy will be mine.

Death is real. So is Life.

Live.

*Sidenote*: I am not depressed, nor is this a suicide note. These are merely my musings after the loss of a friend. Do not misinterpret this as my last goodbye or something. If you think that, you have some serious issues, my friend. This is meant as encouragement. What can I say? My mind works differently from others.

Dear X (You Don't Own Me) by Disciple

Dear pain, oh, it’s been a long time

Remember when you were holding me tight

I would stay awake with you all night

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms

You were there when it all fell apart

I would get so lost in your beautiful lies

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Dear hate, I know you’re not far

You would wait at the door of my heart

I was amazed at the passion in your cries

Dear anger, you make me so high

You were faithful to show up on time

Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead, put a target on my forehead

You can fire, but you got no bullets

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

It’s tempting me to look back

But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead, you’re never gonna take me

You can bend, but you’re never gonna break me

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead, put a target on my forehead

You can fire, but you got no bullets

I was yours; I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Thoughts from a Child

Perfect black canvas overhead

Splattered with seemingly random pinpricks of white.

Sky-high beams,

Leaves tipped with moonlight.

A wave of utter insignificance washes over the body,

But with it comes peace, assurance, comfort,

Not agony or worry.

For a moment, I seem bigger than the world.

And in a moment, God shows me His awesome might.

With daylight comes mundane routines,

But nightfall brings surprises and a sharpening of the senses.

Why has the Creator given me this way of thinking?

Am I the only one?

Does everyone feel this way?

I'm desperate to know.

Never Again Will I Be Yours Truly

Dear Apathy,

While I appreciate your blatant suppression of my emotions at times, I believe it's time for you to pack up and leave my soul. You've overstayed your visit. Go!

What I thought was a relief from so much turmoil was in actuality a slow and deadly poison, creeping into my heart and mind and closing down every part of me that feels and thinks. I have realized in this process that I would much rather be acutely aware of my emotions and wear them on my sleeve for the world to see than to push everything so far down that I don't even know what Sorrow and Joy mean.

Why did you trick me? That wasn't very nice. You said it was temporary. You promised that you would only come around when it was necessary, and then you would ship right on out. Liar. You plagued my soul for 3 months, not allowing me to feel anything. Oh wait, that's right. You "conveniently" left when you knew the situation I was in would produce negativity in me. What a friend.

Speaking of friends, how did you and Depression like co-inhabiting my heart? You two seem to go hand-in-hand. Well, how about both of ya go hand-in-hand straight back to your master? Not to be rude or anything, but I didn't even invite him to stay here, and he wasn't a cheery guest to have around. In fact, he was downright awful. He sure liked to hang around after those situations aforementioned. Definitely didn't help the issues there.

Tonight, those emotions that you've caged up finally broke free. Regret rushed through me, crashing through the barriers that blinded me to what you were doing. He washed over my face, and my eyes were finally open. Open to your deceit, open to the present, open to what would happen if I allowed you to dominate my life, open to my past mistakes. The awareness sent a shock wave of Sorrow throughout my body. Remember that song that was being sung by a multitude of people while all this was going on inside me? Heaven Song by Phil Wickham. I'm pretty sure you remember it, because when Joy heard those lyrics and the hope that was intertwined in every word, she flowed through every vein in my body and warmed me. For the first time in a long time, I meant what I sang. I felt Peace.

Sure, these emotions may bring tears. They may be unpleasant. They possibly could be even be downright painful. But ya know what, Apathy? I think I can handle that.

Never Again Will I Be Yours Truly,

Olivia

Why Put a Lamp Under a Basket?

I have this stirring in me.

So much pent-up...potential earnest creativity wants to be freed.

I don't know how to release this desire. My hands can't handle it, nor are they skilled to handle this need for expression.

God, what do I do? All I want to do is create, and yet I have not the ability nor the talent to bring forth beauty.

Painting, drawing, sculpting, charcoal, even a simple decor project. I yearn for it, but I let a barrier get in my way.

I'm fearful of creating something ugly and failing at pleasing God with what I make.



I want to write something.

Something about the glory of God, something about how my life is changing, something for my (hopefully) future husband. A poem, a story. Anything.

My fear of sounding like an imbecile stills my hand from putting pen to paper.

My heart bursts with words wanting to be written and read, yet my mind overrules, telling me that whatever I write won't amount to being worthy of anyone's eyes.

Lord, rid me of these inhibitions. Let me bring You glory and honor and praise with all that I do without letting fear chain me down and discourage me.

One step at a time.

Sing My Soul to Me

Rays filter through a transparent canopy,
Casting over the ground emerald and gold hues.
Gray fairies dance carelessly across every surface.

Closed eyes, slight breeze, no commitments.
The hammock is swinging, swinging, swinging....

Perfect day: achieved.

My Favorite Weather

Something is about to happen.

The smell of rain permeates the atmosphere.
The air is tensed, as if awaiting the break.
Humidity thickens, knowing it is about to be washed away.

Something is about to happen.

The hair on the nape of my neck stands on end,
Tingling with the electricity invading the sky.
Clouds are stirring and billowing, anxious to relieve their burdens.

Something is about to happen.

Driving into town, I notice colors fading to muted tones.
It seems as if the world knows that something...
Akin to sadness...is breaching its sheltered happiness.

Something is closing in.

The coming dread is put on hold.
A long-lost companion takes its place,
Placing a smile on my face and in my heart.

Here it comes.

Heading home, the sky falls.
A deluge attacks nature and industry alike.
The atmosphere's spit is slung haphazardly by automobiles.

It is happening.

Though the downpour is meant to dishearten,
I notice sunlight pouring through the sheets.
Such a strange mixture of elements...

It is passing.

As quickly as the assault comes,
So it retreats, moving on to other unaware victims.
What is left is a world saturated with color.

It has ended.

This seemingly nondescript occurrence has a hidden treasure.
Even as despair infiltrates a life, hope always follows.
God's discipline and grace intermingling.

Something has happened.





Perfect song for the day: Mr. Blue Sky-Electric Light Orchestra